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These Four Walls

These four walls
Have held me up forever
Kept me safe all my life
And even when the colors dimmed
They stood so tall I never wondered
If they’d ever fall

These four walls
When did they start cracking?
How did I miss all the signs?
Now the chipping, the peeling,
The cracking, the holes
Are too far gone to repair

These four walls
Can’t stand on their own now
Can’t keep supporting the ceiling
From crashing down on us all
Their screams fill the air
But I’m too afraid to cover my ears

These four walls
I’m holding them up now
I won’t let them crash on the only life I’ve ever known
There’s nothing else for me to do
Even though I know
One day they’ll smother me


The Problem

It’s you
Thinking there is nothing wrong
Believing you
And only you
To be in the right
Telling us we’re wrong
As we look amongst each other
Wondering where your heart has gone

It’s us
Saying nothing
Hoping this is just a phase
Praying you’ll start living again
Hiding in the corners of a room
You fill with your presence
Trying not to get burned
On the fringes or to ash

It’s you
Screaming at us for the wrongs
You refuse to pin on yourself
Hurting us because you are in pain
And thus so to must we be
You think this is the right way
The only way
Because you say so

It’s us
Not telling you anything is wrong
Smiling at you from across the room
Laughing at your jokes
Pretending we’re okay
Walking on our tiptoes
In case we awaken the sleeping fury
Of all of our problems


(FYI, this piece was written off a prompt for “Why are you here?” and to make it as crazy, bragging and laugh-inducing as possible. It’s a wonderful thing to do when you’re feeling down, I promise!)

Why I’m Here

Because I am 16
And I haven’t lived yet
I’m here because I have just self-published a book
And I want to sell a million copies
I haven’t seen Japan yet
I haven’t learned to ride a motorcycle yet
But I am the manager of a 50 person dining room
And the editor of a magazine with 3,000 people who read it
I haven’t seen all my friends face-to-face yet
And no one’s able to fly
And I want recognition
Happiness
Love
And peace
But I’m still trying to figure out what all that means
I’m here because my brothers need me
I’m here because my parents want me
No one can fix broken bonds yet
But I want to be the first one
And I want to see a world of peace
With no pollution
War
or greed
And I’m going to make that happen
I am here because I haven’t signed an agent
I haven’t found a publisher
But someday I want to see my title be a NY Times bestseller
I am here because I want to live
And my dreams have stopped the darkness in my heart
I am here because I have something to say
And I haven’t said enough yet


I’m proud to say this is a piece I performed today, but it’s not really a piece that I think I should record. I’m currently playing with different ways to do that, and we’ll see if I actually do or just type it up at let you act it out. :D

All Goes to Pieces

A girl kneels beside her bed
As if in prayer but not
She is staring at the blue vein in her wrist
Wondering how she got so low that she knows opening it won’t help
The house shelters her from the weather outside
Wishing it could kneel in prayer to a God she does not believe
Because it would be something more to give than four walls

But it helps the boys more
Welding the lock to their door
Not to keep them in but to keep the shouting out
The parents are upstairs
Shaking window panes and slamming doors
The house cannot keep the screaming contained
They hear it through failing walls

So the girl changes her Facebook religion to atheist
Saying “This I now know”
As the brothers lie in their bunk bed
Ashamed to admit the comfort of their solidarity
And the parents plan a vacation
That would send them each to a different corner of the country
And they welcome it

As they sit around the TV
Drowning out the wind that’s lashing the outside
The girl and the house stare at each other through the two-faced window
Both wondering if this is where it all goes to pieces


Shared Tears

You call us together
To talk about the problem
Well my dear
We are the problem

Adversaries
Where there should be friends
Resentment
Where there should be love
Punches
Where there should be hugs
Screaming
Where there should be laughs

Have we even got any of the good left?

Threaten to his unblinking face
To kick him out
But the salt streams are on my cheeks
We are bound by tenuous threads
Now that most of them have shattered

So shout some more
Doesn’t matter if I’m upstairs
I can hear you through the ceiling
As I huddle on the floor
Shedding the last thing we share

Tears


You Wonder Why

You wonder why
She walked away
Disappearing into the world
Without one look over her shoulder

You wonder why
She felt such hate
And didn’t care
How it hurt you

You wonder why
You were so affected
When it wasn’t you
She erased from her life

You wonder why
She would punish him like that
Because you never understood
What was wrong

Darling, I can show you why
Take a gander at the mirror
And watch what you’re doing
To me

You wonder why


Look, the poem that was supposed to be here days ago!

Mediator, Traitor

They call me the Peacekeeper
The friend in the middle
The sibling in the center
Holding up the caution flags
Mediating a truce
They tell me that I’m wonderful
That I’m a true friend
But I don’t feel the same

I don’t want to be the one
Sorting out the facts
I don’t want to be the one
Taking all the blows
I don’t want to be the one
On whom you unload all your crap

I hate to break it to you
But I’m not bulletproof

I love you
I love her
I love him
I love them
But after all this time
Somehow I’ve lost my love of me

You say I play the mediator
But I call myself a traitor
Because I’ve lost my own sense of justice
Trying to appease you all

I tell you I think the same
I tell her I think the same
I tell him I think the same
I tell them I think the same
But what I really think
Has been lost
Because I much too afraid
Of losing
You
Her
Him
Them

They call me Peacekeeper
The one with all the patience
The one who sees it all
But someday I’m going to lose it
And find myself


Hey guys! You know what, this time the break wasn’t actually totally my fault. I got these really bad viruses in my computer that completely shut me down and my computer was in the shop for days getting wiped. I was pretty much a mess the entire time because my life is my computer! :D Yeah, I can admit it. Anyways, hopefully I’ll be able to catch up here…

Over

When did I become the one
Who wanted to see the journey end
Who wanted the whole thing to stop
Who was waiting for that day to come
With my secret, black heart

I love you
You know that
I hurt when you do
But after all this time
Even I couldn’t take this anymore

It had become your life and mine
And everyone who was close
Morning, noon, night, sleep
I never could escape it
And I knew it would hurt you if I screamed

I should have cried when it all ended
Should have hurt as you did
But all I could think of
When the last effort had failed was
Thank everything it’s over


Gueessss whooo! Yeah … I am aware that the date of this poem and the date of today is ridiculously far apart. Life is CRAZY for me in the summer and I haven’t had quality peace time in a while. I’m always going to get up to date though, I promise! I never meant to leave it off this long… Anyways, one thing you need to know about this poem and the next two is that they were written for a school project on To Kill a Mockingbird. I had to do a sort of response journal and these are some of the entries I made.

Back Then

I remember the days
When it was you and me
And we were young enough
That not much seemed
Impossible
And our imagination knew
No limits
You smiled and laughed more
Back then

We acted out
A thousand adventures
That we were sure we’d have
One day
And we played pranks
And we built forts
And we caught toads
Because I didn’t mind that
Back then

Two years between us
Didn’t matter
Unless I pulled rank
(Okay, I did that often)
And the fact that
I’m a girl
And you’re a boy
Wasn’t a barrier
Back then

I know we couldn’t
Act like kids
Forever
Because times change
And we
Change with them
But sometimes I wish
We hadn’t changed so much
Back then

You don’t laugh as much
Anymore
I don’t touch toads
Anymore
We don’t play make-believe
Anymore
Sometimes life doesn’t seem
As fun as it was
Back then

But we still have the memories
And we’re still you and me
I can’t stop being
The big sister
And you’ll always be
My little brother
Even though things will
Never be the way they were
Back then



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