Responsibility

Responsibility

Buildup of burning frustration
Right between my eyes
Like a sharpshooter’s imbedded bullet
Spilling out from my eyes
Like a crack in a dike
But no little Danish boy can save me
By poking them out
A fist of terror
Halts the beating of my heart
And all I can do is shatter the painful silence
With a sob
Is this in anger?
No
Is this in sadness?
No
This is in reaction
To me being crushed
By the suffocating load of responsibility
You were stupid enough to think I could hold up

Perfect Poet Award & “Pain”

Perfect Poet Award Acceptance!!

Thanks to all the amazing people over at Jingle’s Poetry Rally, I have received the Perfect Poet Award for week 30 of the Poet’s Rally! Thanks so much everyone!

http://thursdaypoetsrallypoetry.wordpress.com/2010/10/08/the-perfect-poet-award-4-poets-rally-week-30/

Now, this is NOT AT ALL the kind of poem I wanted to exactly post with this award acceptance, but … it’s what I’ve got. Sorry Ji–I wrote this before I knew I had to accept the award!

Pain

Palms curled tightly
Leaving half-moons on my palms
I focus on the pain
Wait for it to fade
It’s like my count-to-ten
Sometimes it works
But other times it just makes me angrier
At you
At the world
At life
My heart constricts in pulse-stopping pain
I feel the heat burn my checks
All of the sudden
My hand wants to break your face
The horror of that
Is a numbing agent
That works for around two seconds
By then I’m yelling my voice hoarse
Even if it makes no sense because
My GOD
It feels so good to let it out
Even if I can see the whiplash
Slashing all over your face
It’s not about you right now
It’s about me
My pain
My frustration
My life
And hurting you is like a salve
I could go on for hours
Not because I want to but
Because it makes me think
You can begin to understand how I feel
Even though
When it’s all over
All I do is hate myself more

Crack in the Wall

Crack in the Wall

There is a crack in the wall
See?
In the corner!
Its minute fissures have spread like vines
Wanting to grow
Begging me to water them
Will I?
Once there would have been no question
But now–
Well
Life, my friend, is not an easy game to play
Let alone master
But…
That crack is taunting me
Calling me
Pleading
“One easy smash,” it says
“Will shatter the wall to dust”
“And it will be like it never existed–”
Be silent!
Leave me be
Let me stare in silence
At the light peeking through
Maybe the sun will be a kinder persuader or
Better
It will leave me in peace
For it’s hard to justify the crumbling
Of a wall I built
To keep life out

Tell Me Why

Tell Me Why

Tell me why
You think you can lean on me
With your problems
When all they do is scare me

Tell me why
You think I can solve your issues
That have nothing to do with me
Since it’s your decision

Tell me why
You think you can abuse my love
And make me your scapegoat
And punching bag

Tell me why
You think I can handle
All the stuff in your life
That you clearly can’t

Tell me why
You think I care anymore

August 2nd – Mediocre

All right, I’m back to spam your blogospheres and inboxs with another handful of poems! 😀

Mediocre

I used to love me
I knew who I was
I had all the confidence
I thought I knew it all
I believed I’d be a superstar someday

I don’t know me anymore
I make promises I can’t keep
I have no faith in myself
I know I know little
I no longer see my name in lights

I suppose that’s what happens when you discover you’re mediocre

July 30th – Mediator, Traitor

Look, the poem that was supposed to be here days ago!

Mediator, Traitor

They call me the Peacekeeper
The friend in the middle
The sibling in the center
Holding up the caution flags
Mediating a truce
They tell me that I’m wonderful
That I’m a true friend
But I don’t feel the same

I don’t want to be the one
Sorting out the facts
I don’t want to be the one
Taking all the blows
I don’t want to be the one
On whom you unload all your crap

I hate to break it to you
But I’m not bulletproof

I love you
I love her
I love him
I love them
But after all this time
Somehow I’ve lost my love of me

You say I play the mediator
But I call myself a traitor
Because I’ve lost my own sense of justice
Trying to appease you all

I tell you I think the same
I tell her I think the same
I tell him I think the same
I tell them I think the same
But what I really think
Has been lost
Because I much too afraid
Of losing
You
Her
Him
Them

They call me Peacekeeper
The one with all the patience
The one who sees it all
But someday I’m going to lose it
And find myself

July 7th – I Tried

After being such a champion of optimistic poetry, I know I’m being a hypocrite with all this. So, on the 7th, I tried NOT to write something depressing. Sadly, when you’re in a certain mood there is only one thing you CAN write.

I Tried

I tried
To write something
Optimistic
But found the words
Wouldn’t flow

I tried
But what do you
Expect
From someone who’s
Fighting for a smile

I tried
But then I remembered
You screaming
And how
Tears taste

I tried
But I stopped
Because lying to myself
Doesn’t make it all
Go away

July 6th – Why I Write

So … yeah. If you’re looking for optimistic poetry, give it a good scroll down. I haven’t got much lately! This one, despite the title, is no exception to that…

Why I Write

I never really asked myself
Why I write
It seemed a silly question
With a long vibrant answer

But I can’t give that today

Don’t ask my
I won’t answer in voice
But if you wait long enough
I’ll answer in words

Because that’s why I write

I can put a pen to paper
And just as easily put a mask on myself
That character there
That narrator here

They are all me

The one who cries herself to sleep
The one whose got nothing figured out
The one who always thinks they’re alone
The one who wants it all to end

Yes, the screamer is me too

I’m yelling at you, whoever you are
Wanting to be heard
Needing someone, who needn’t respond
To read my work and nod

I want you to understand

With every word, that’s what I’m doing
I’m screaming
I’m pretending
I’m begging

Today, that’s why I write

July 5th – Denial

All right, all right–I really am trying to keep up over here! I’m always writing, but I’m just not posting. Life and stuff has been busying and otherwise in the way. I suppose I can let my poetry be a testament to that.

Denial

When did this change?
When did it go from fun
To horrid?
From easy
To hard?
I don’t know
But I want to
Because I can’t take the tears

I don’t want to think
That I know why she walked out
The thoughts hurt my head
And blur my vision
With red
I’ll live in denial
Just to make this stop

Because I don’t want to understand
Her why
And I know want to understand
Her feelings
Because if I admit I know
All her reasoning
Then I’ll know my blackest dream
Can be achieved
And I could survive it
So I’ll leave too