Void
It would be easier to say
I’m tired of feeling such soul-shattering sadness or
Holding in a horrid degree of hate or
Crying acid tears that tear open my flesh to the soul
I wish I could scream
That my heart is being torn apart
By fiery rage or mind numbing fear
But this is not the case
It is harder to admit
That I am being consumed by
The black hole of bleakness
That comes from being unable to feel at all
I Tried
I tried, love
To stem the tides
To beat back the flames
But I lost the battle
I’m so ashamed
How did we come to this?
I tried, love
To not let it cut
To keep an optimistic perspective
I held them back when they would hurt you
But somehow I lost my way
I joined their side
I tried, love
To keep my heart glad to see you
To fill myself with trust of you
But I held on until I bled
And the wounds could not be healed
And sorry became a useless plea
I tried, love
But I will not live with the self-loathing
That comes from hating you
You Wonder Why
You wonder why
She walked away
Disappearing into the world
Without one look over her shoulder
You wonder why
She felt such hate
And didn’t care
How it hurt you
You wonder why
You were so affected
When it wasn’t you
She erased from her life
You wonder why
She would punish him like that
Because you never understood
What was wrong
Darling, I can show you why
Take a gander at the mirror
And watch what you’re doing
To me
You wonder why
Perfect Poet Award Acceptance!!
Thanks to all the amazing people over at Jingle’s Poetry Rally, I have received the Perfect Poet Award for week 30 of the Poet’s Rally! Thanks so much everyone!
Now, this is NOT AT ALL the kind of poem I wanted to exactly post with this award acceptance, but … it’s what I’ve got. Sorry Ji–I wrote this before I knew I had to accept the award!
Pain
Palms curled tightly
Leaving half-moons on my palms
I focus on the pain
Wait for it to fade
It’s like my count-to-ten
Sometimes it works
But other times it just makes me angrier
At you
At the world
At life
My heart constricts in pulse-stopping pain
I feel the heat burn my checks
All of the sudden
My hand wants to break your face
The horror of that
Is a numbing agent
That works for around two seconds
By then I’m yelling my voice hoarse
Even if it makes no sense because
My GOD
It feels so good to let it out
Even if I can see the whiplash
Slashing all over your face
It’s not about you right now
It’s about me
My pain
My frustration
My life
And hurting you is like a salve
I could go on for hours
Not because I want to but
Because it makes me think
You can begin to understand how I feel
Even though
When it’s all over
All I do is hate myself more
The Cost
You know everyone hates you
Even as they worship at your feet
But you don’t care
Because you’ve got everything they want
You’ve got everything you could ever want
And their loathing just makes it better
So you plaster on a Barbie doll smile
Give out a well-practiced wave
Toss your hair
Flash your bling
Hear them ooh and ah
Why don’t you just fashion yourself a crown?
But don’t you look to me Queen B
Don’t you ask me what I think
Because all I’ll ever give you is one sad smile
Since I know what it cost you to get here
And it doesn’t outweigh the return
Hypocrite
I say
That I hate it
Condemn the action
Disparage the doer
At righteous
Superior
Hold myself aloof
Thinking I’m better
Than them
But in one instant
I become
The hypocrite
Before
Just as fast
I keep on preaching
My Life is a Notebook 