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Contradictions

Contradictions

I’m afraid of being right

I’m afraid of being wrong

I’m afraid of being quiet

I’m afraid of being loud

I’m afraid of blending in

I’m afraid of sticking out

I’m afraid of speaking my mind

I’m afraid of never being heard

I’m afraid of taking risks

I’m afraid of having regrets

I’m afraid of following my heart

I’m afraid of losing its beat

I’m afraid of finding love

I’m afraid of losing it

I’m afraid of my dreams

I’m afraid of never achieving them

I’m afraid of not being me

I’m afraid I’m a contradiction

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I Tried

I Tried

I tried, love
To stem the tides
To beat back the flames
But I lost the battle
I’m so ashamed
How did we come to this?

I tried, love
To not let it cut
To keep an optimistic perspective
I held them back when they would hurt you
But somehow I lost my way
I joined their side

I tried, love
To keep my heart glad to see you
To fill myself with trust of you
But I held on until I bled
And the wounds could not be healed
And sorry became a useless plea

I tried, love
But I will not live with the self-loathing
That comes from hating you

Poetry Potluck–The Seven Deadly Sins: Envy

This poem is for Monday’s Poetry Potluck, which you can check out HERE: http://jinglepoetry.blogspot.com/2010/10/poetry-potluck-seven-deadly-sins.html

Envy

It eats at my heart
Like acid
I smell the burning flesh
As it chokes up my lungs
But I suppose there are holes
There now too

It tears at my emotions
Like talons
Slicing at my shame
So deep
But raking my black heart
Deliciously

It turns my soul to cinders
Like a bonfire
Sparking my blood with pain
Leaving nothing left of me
When it’s charred up
My shattered pieces

September 29th – Songs on the Radio

Songs on the Radio

So you listen to the radio
Singing your heart out
Wishing with all you’ve got
That person in the song was you

You sing a little louder now
Trying to block the tears
The world in the lyrics sounds perfect
Why can’t you live there too?

You want to believe
You want to find love
You want to live your dreams
You want to discover yourself

Hold on to your faith, your hope
For I have faith in you
One day you’ll hear a melody and smile for
That person in the song is you

September 22nd – I Don’t Feel

I Don’t Feel

Tears streak my face
I don’t feel them fall
Icicles stab my heart
I don’t feel it stop
Anger boils in my blood
I don’t feel the burn
Laughter dances through the air
I don’t feel a smile
I keep my inner world together
I don’t feel the edges fraying

August 16th – Call Me a Coward

Call Me a Coward

Call me a coward
Please
It’s simpler
It’s what I do
When given the chance
I have no faith in me
But that’s okay
It’s safe
It’s good
Call me a coward

Call me a coward
Please
Believe me
Don’t make me do things
That scare me
So what
If you think I can do it
I don’t
I know best
Call me a coward

Call me a coward
Why won’t you
You push me out of my comfort zone
You give me no choice
I do what you say
No matter how frightening
No matter how dangerous
Because I have no options
But I beg you
Call me a coward

Call me a coward
Thank all that you won’t
Now I see
What I can do
THat maybe I can
Do more than I think
And I’ve got some courage
Somewhere deep inside
I’m so glad you could see it
Now call me a coward

I dare you

August 1st – Secret, Black Heart

I wrote this one after realizing I was using the phrase “secret, black heart” often in my latest poems. It sounded cool, so why not, right?

Secret, Black Heart

What is my secret, black heart?
You know what it is
Don’t be foolish
You don’t know mine
To be sure
But you know your own

Who does not have that certain place
Where jealousy rears its ugly head
Where hate boils over
Where you laugh at pain
Where you imagine causing it
Where insanity is sweet

I know you feel it
Pulsing in your chest
You try to stop it
For it scares you
But, my friend, relax–
It will never go away

Don’t look to hard within it
You’ll see what you’re capable of
Guilt will eat you up from within
Burning through your soul
And, until the end
You’ll be afraid of yourself

July 31st – Thoughtless

This date was also my mom’s birthday–Happy Birthday Mom! (Wish this poem was happier…)

Thoughtless

They say I should be proud
To hold my head up high
To get straight As
And have a job
And understand the world

They say that it’s amazing
All the things that I can do
That I can work
That I can think
That I have a million thoughts in my head

I say that I agree
That I’m proud of who I am
That I wouldn’t change a thing
That I’m okay with being this way
That I find it easy to be

I say to you now
That I am lying
That in my secret, black heart
That sometimes I wish I wasn’t me
That sometimes I wish I was thoughtless

July 30th – Mediator, Traitor

Look, the poem that was supposed to be here days ago!

Mediator, Traitor

They call me the Peacekeeper
The friend in the middle
The sibling in the center
Holding up the caution flags
Mediating a truce
They tell me that I’m wonderful
That I’m a true friend
But I don’t feel the same

I don’t want to be the one
Sorting out the facts
I don’t want to be the one
Taking all the blows
I don’t want to be the one
On whom you unload all your crap

I hate to break it to you
But I’m not bulletproof

I love you
I love her
I love him
I love them
But after all this time
Somehow I’ve lost my love of me

You say I play the mediator
But I call myself a traitor
Because I’ve lost my own sense of justice
Trying to appease you all

I tell you I think the same
I tell her I think the same
I tell him I think the same
I tell them I think the same
But what I really think
Has been lost
Because I much too afraid
Of losing
You
Her
Him
Them

They call me Peacekeeper
The one with all the patience
The one who sees it all
But someday I’m going to lose it
And find myself